"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."

"If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now."

"You guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off."

"I'm so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat inside me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis."

"If I ever meet myself," said Zaphod, "I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me."

"Listen, three eyes,", he said, "don't you try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal."

'Yet Unnamed Man': "Beeblebrox, over here!"
"No," called Zaphod. "Beeblebrox over here! Who are you?"
"A friend!" Shouted back the man. He ran toward Zaphod.
"Oh yeah?" said Zaphod. "Anyone's friend in particular, or just generally well-disposed to people?"

"Well, just who do you think you are, honey?" flounced the insect quivering its wings in rage, "Zaphod Beeblebrox or something?"
"Count the heads," said Zaphod in a low rasp.
The insect blinked at him. It blinked at him again.
"You are Zaphod Beeblebrox?" it squeaked.
"Yeah," said Zaphod, "but don't shout it out or they'll all want one."
"The Zaphod Beeblebrox?"
"No, just a Zaphod Beeblebrox, didn't you hear I come in six packs?"
"But sir, I heard you were dead."
"That's right, I just haven't stopped moving yet."

"If I had two heads like you, Zaphod, I could have hours of fun banging them against a wall."

"If I told you how much I needed this, I wouldn't have time to eat it." Referring to the piece of fairy cake used to power the Total Perspective Vortex.